first day at keppel tower cont'd

lemme carry on with my entry which i had left off this morning..

i cun bring myself to slp on wed night. it was a surprise as weve hafen msned for so long for at least a few mths..mths?i guess so..i was happy.the warmth is back..its so nice to haf a brother who asks bt u, whu cares for ur future..whus dere to listen to ur problems..shld i sae im partly blessed?i dunno..im not letting myself fall into dat again, not allowing myself to be inflicted again..i cant. yah hes my brother.appreciating those concerns.no i dun wish that we will be in the same company in the yrs to come, im so sorry to haf to sae this.in fact i cant bring myself to sae this to u..im sorry.so self defence i tink this is the best for me.ive learnt to be self-fish..its not innate in me but ive gt no choice..HURT is the last wrd im willing to accept in my vocab. ive turned colder twds a lot of things, a number of pple. this seriously is wad i hate to do.theres no way i can turn back the clock n stop these frm happening. i cant. noeing that u care is enough for now.(do u really care?) even if ya dun, ya arent to be blamed. u haf no responsibility to do so, y mus u? i do rem wad ya said, the outings etc. i thank u for these memories, sweet den but turned bitter now they are jus buried deeply but nv deep enuff to be forgtten.hated u den, mb this 'hatred' had evolved to 'numbness' yah im indifferent alr..almost so pls dun confuse me anymore n i cant be shaken. at the bottom of my heart, i wish u well..denying one may sae but ive come thus far, ive to be in denial, this is it. its heartache even till now..its embarrassing that ive to admit n i detest myself for this.

life has to go on..my life revolves rd wrk n gifing tuition.i dun mind not gg out.i dun mind hafing no life.i yearn to stay at home. sleep my hours away..relaxing via watching tv flipping thru papers, even gt nagged at by my mum..yah i seriously dun mind animore. i guess vonnie has described pretty accurately bt the crisis which was reflected in her blog.used to love to meet up with pals used to love org mtgs. nowadays im waiting for peeps to date me instead..no initiatives no energy to plan for meet ups. some times waiting for confirmations which nv came. im too lazy either to msg n confirm with em. i tried spending a day waiting for the gathering but it nv cm even on the day itself. a few days ago, was waiting for another confirmation but in the end me still msged to confirm. mb if ive known the mtg aint gg to tk place i could ve arranged another mtg. i din n spent my vesak day slping n slacking instead. yet again, im alritex wif this. shld i sae im jus plainly lazy? or haf i gtten tired of everything? mb im lacking e courage to do so for reasons which i shant mention n im still considering my last resort. cost is an issue n i jus cnt refrain myself frm wanting to try them. i wun noe if it will be effective till i tried it. i wun noe.

so much had been said, that much i had done, nothing more i could do, wishing its not the end

dreading the cming weeks of work:(