aT hOMe!!!

yah finally cn use me laptop at hm n connected to net!!
blur me connect line to wrg 'hole'

was surprised dat he n mingfeng gave me a surprised visit last tues..22nd of april!
he was carrying my stats textbk:) haha..so nerdy gor!!!

haha..its been a lg time since we toked thot it will b onli the two of us but mf cm..i admit dat i felt a bit disappointed when i saw mf..bad ritex?

haha..act supposed to haf bffet n sp viewing at e 21 tv lounge but in e end jus sat o/s the walkwae n toked..its been a lg time..since the 3 of us chatted:)

quite nice!

me gor so blur!!me went to gt sago for him n asked him to hold onto me oranger squash he left one mouthful for me!!!urghh...haha

dey kept asking the guys in me hall..but dey r nice frans..i mean shwed me a bit more concern..sometimes do feel more..haha but mes nt realli interested coz nt realli me type:)

he hinted several times on msn n hes always willing to listen..smtimes even chatted on msn for hrs..cldnt believe it..
he always initiates n sms me things to update me bt stuff..veri odd..
hes lyk probing into wad im doing..so awkward..asked bt who i was toking to n stuf..
hes weirder..added me on msn n ever since we kept chatting..din even noe him as in jus suan me dat dae..i din even noe his name..but coz hes frm e sm hall lah..

dey saed im an XY!im not!

mf u asked me to gif em a chance/guys a chance..i din sae im nt gifing..but dey din do anithing mb scared bah..scared as in they noe ive high stds?mb..but at least 2 of em noes:P told me treasure box but the other i swear i didnt!!!

act.. u r a great pal..i gt sm light n enjoyed toking to ya..u made a lot of sense..
hes nice but i felt being made used of..as a rubber float?as a safety net?
ut wat to do..its u!!all u tok bt is results n ask me to intro u to gals..

act. frankly speaking..im confused bt meself..at one pt of time i thot will slip onto the XY path..mb its bcoz of that period..when i was realli dn..realli dn..realli dn..i dunno if im still feeling dis wae..i hope nt!

let me put everything aside n im into the mugging mode!

dun understd y zhiwei kept asking me to go out..too bad gt exams..haha..even asked me to go mug when hes in army!wats dis?haha
mb hes jus too free!

gg to mug nw:)
haha
my AABB!!

i feel lyk crying

yesh!the stress is cming again...im depressed again...

i wan to cry!yes! i need smone...all me frans arent free..even shanx is nt..im alone..i cn do it at hm..ma n pa will be shocked..

no shoulders to lean on..no support..i cnt take it..

i need smone who cares..to listen..to cry to..

im jus so sick..so sianx..

nv felt lyjk dis bfore:(

pOOr Gor..

hes currently depressed..realli.. feel sad for him..his health is affecting him..his studies..everything seems to b against his wishes..i jus cn help to shw him a bit more concern..

praying that hell gt past this stage fast!if nt its gg to do him harm..no gd! dunno wad happened..all dat ive heard r his std..but i cnt doubt him..cn i?

putting everything aside n wanna stop meself frm tinking..

RUBBISH!!!

joleen ITS RUBBISH!!

yeah im trying hard to do so..but me mind will wonder..nt onli to him but others too?

me mum did sae:'gal ah! u all ritex?y ya keep falling sick?is dere sth wrong? dun go e wrg track k?...'

yah mum!i noe!i wish im bk to those innocent daes..but mes nt dat simple minded animore..i wish..i dream...i hope..i yearn for the daes when u will jus nag at me for me mistakes...staying at hm to slack..protecting me frm pple...

nw i noe y u wan me to go to a gal sch alr:) thxs mummy!!!muckXXss!!!

im doubting meself every moment..though i appear confident...haha..

had me ge presentation last wk..haha..gt a super off comment..stupid!haha..dis stupid comment makes e wanna puke!haha...

wad confident...sexy..cute...haha..read alr also wanna laugh!haha...

nv jus tk it as a compliment bah..haha...ill b interested to noe whos he though...haha...

tired..gtta tk med n slp alr:)

god bless all!

pOOr Gor..

vAnishing ACT!!

the feeling of depression is cming bk onto me again...

ask me to explain y?
ive no idea too...as i walk dwn me ladyhill i jus feel so stressed..so so stressed nt that kind of feeling which i had enjoyed...it cld be due to e exams?

yah...i guess dats the reason...

me family n frans keep speculating the reasons y i suddenly become so enthu to go hm?

but the reason is:i dunno

its jus dat e stress is building..i cn feel it cming...staying in hall will do me no gd...i dun wan me frans n seniors to see this ugly side of me..its nt nice:P

after next wed will disappear fully...haha...great...but coz will b bk for lessons n stuf lah...!at least stay for a dae or sth/wk!!after dat yr 2 alr!!!!haha...okie lah...not too bad..

so sianx nw....slping real sn...

btw if frans wannajio me to mug/go out walk walk do drp me an early sms k??haha..thxs im nt shutting myself frm u guys but jus wanna conc...we cn still haf fun tough!!!haha...

haven eaten me sakae sushi leh...!haha....

slping is me current most effective remedy!!!!

vAnishing ACT!!

the feeling of depression is cming bk onto me again...

ask me to explain y?
ive no idea too...as i walk dwn me ladyhill i jus feel so stressed..so so stressed nt that kind of feeling which i had enjoyed...it cld be due to e exams?

yah...i guess dats the reason...

me family n frans keep speculating the reasons y i suddenly become so enthu to go hm?

but the reason is:i dunno

its jus dat e stress is building..i cn feel it cming...staying in hall will do me no gd...i dun wan me frans n seniors to see this ugly side of me..its nt nice:P

after next wed will disappear fully...haha...great...but coz will b bk for lessons n stuf lah...!at least stay for a dae or sth/wk!!after dat yr 2 alr!!!!haha...okie lah...not too bad..

so sianx nw....slping real sn...

btw if frans wannajio me to mug/go out walk walk do drp me an early sms k??haha..thxs im nt shutting myself frm u guys but jus wanna conc...we cn still haf fun tough!!!haha...

haven eaten me sakae sushi leh...!haha....

slping is me current most effective remedy!!!!

sLEepless nITEx...

tonites is gonna b hell...

ive slept less den 30 hrs for the past wks...oh no..lotsa stuf to do...n exams r in 6 wks time...im mugging liaox..haha...

will b bk in hall on sun nitex to wk on the acc proj...sianx..but wad to do...?

haha...after 15 march hall dinner im nt gg to b involved in anithing n im into accelerated mugging mood...

kie...let me nap nap first n ltr gg for sakae...will eat moderately so i wnt end up puking out everything jus lyk last yrs session with yanshan!!!ger!!! next time we four go again k
!!!!mus get charmaine out of nus to join us!!!dat ger forever nt w us!!!

haha...back on sun den!!!

yawnx!!!

gOing Home..

haf nothing to do nw so decide that i shld jus type sth..

mb im jus too bored..haha

will be gg hm instead of gg for the nitex cycling event..

fevers bk n im grateful dat daph allows me to go hm after dat...will reach hm at 11 odd 12 but i dun mind..tmrs gonna b a super lg dae..gtta be bk for choir practice on sun so ...for hall dinner next next tue n afterdat im gg to b super off hall...yes!off as in wnt b in hall at all...unless haf morning lesson...

cming bk on mon den off on tue except the 28th of mar,ill escape hm after sch instead e hall pple wanna do sth funny..ill rather spend the nitex quietly..its nothing to b happi bt anw..unless deres sth realli special...den bk on thurs n bk hm again...realli off ritex..but i dun care..dis is gg to b me muggin schedure n im gg to stick to it!!!

haha...hope me resposibilty will be over quick so i can head home!!!!yeah...

'infatuated w lala land- place for peace, quiet, solitude n beauty!'

spending time in this place will definitely be the choice for me at the very moment..

everyone take care as exms are near the corner, drink more water..

p.s. feeling so satisfied after me chilli dog frm mos..din haf food since yesterdae nitex...simply forgt bt eating...haha....had med! wanna slp...zzzz...

iVe faILed aGAin???!!!

alone in rm nw...daph nt ard..had an hrs nap but me onli slpt lyk 2 odd hrs last nitex..hes so nice to help me edit me work..feeling grateful..yes!jus grateful..:) im sorrie...u r another stanley..im realli sorrie...mb its jus that me heart has been pked..both pple n things..i cm afford to make ani space for u..lets jus stay as frans:)

ive failed..ive tried for the past 4 daes..but ive slipped bk again!
was super exhausted......saw him at s4..as usual..mb dis time we felt more..its not dat simple animore..coz i noe more bt him n he noes mine too...cn see that hes trying hard to take things easy...n yes ive promised to lk normal...hope i did it...

huishan if ya ve been reading all dese pls dun tell ani one!!pls dun!!!i trust u dear!u r my closest fran in me og...he dun haf access to me blog onli u haf frm our og...gal!i trust u!!!i noe u wun sae!!

ive failed...

was rather frightenened when i woke up frm me nap..coz i dun switch off the lights when im slping n i paly music..jus nw onli haf table lamp n it was quiet..so quiet..im scared..nwadaes im afraid of being alone...the feeling is sucki...im jus too stressed i guess...yah i m..!!

tingx!guess ya r ritex...when i need him hes nt dere for me..its others who r shwing me the concern..mb dats y.im suppressing myself..tingx..shanx.. n lg time no see--charmx!!i miss those daes!carefree..u gals r nt w me...im lost my dearest frans..dun b in the sn boat as me k..

i hate to cry!i hate to tear..i hate myself im doing this so often these few daes..nv felt so miserable in me life bfore..NEVER i swear!so desperate dat im even feeling super blessed to be sick!jus wanna be sick...den ill b too weak for anithing..i cn dun bother stuf n rot at hm nug at hm..gif tuition..nt b in touch w ani one...jus b w me mummy..though she keeps nagging at me..bt me diet..my short skirts..me safety..but she means well for me...sorrie mum dat im always nt listening n talked bk..ill ctrl myself...i LOVE u MUMMY!!! let me stay by ya side n Be ur guai NUer...PA oso...it hurts to see ya two aging yr after yr...MUM n DAD!!!!dun wan u two to see me lyk dat dats y i always appear as if im coping well n enjoying me life here...

dunno hw mani pkts of tissue ive used tonitex...luckily no ones ard to see me in this ugly state...its nt nice...

zuzu..u will b disappointed if ya see me lyk dis..im too ashamed to be ya zuren!im so sorrie...

feel lyk seeing the sunrise at east coast guess ill b able to do dat on sat...its a symbol of hope for me at the moment..jus dun let me see him..nt hear frm him...let me b away frm all stuf for a while..i needa indulge my self in studying..yes to mug as hard as possible..no interruption..

guess im ill coz of all these happenings n coz insufficient lala time...me falling ill again..best din bring my med to hall...surviving on panadol...my heads feeling heavy..needa rest n wake up ltr to mug...go bathe first mb ill feel betta..

im nt gg to cry or even tear again..nt in the next few daes at least..i cn do it!!!!can i????

oh yah...charmaine..thxs for ya concern but dun tink i cn get over sn...as in..in the near future..tink ive gtta owe u hundreds of taupok!owe u first...thanks for listening to me complain..n complain!!thanks gal!u r a nice fran!!thxs thxs!!!

may god bless all of us n wish ya well!!!

sLOwlY..sLOwly

din go for ge todae...too lazy to wake up though i was awake since 8am..slpt at 4

went to walk walk...gtta see e nitex views in ntu..quite nice but scary..coz its jus too quiet i guess...but the calmness and the serenity of the nitex made me feel bettaesp after yesterdaes entry..perfect to mend those wounds:)

so paiseh to trouble u charmaine..thanks for bringing me ard to explore e sch..haha..hoped i din bore u to death w those things...yah i shld gif up n nt tink bt it n b a happy soul..but it will take sm time..sm time again bfore i cn get bk..

as promised..will record wad happened for e past 9 daes but i din..so it goes..

was extremely touched n relieved when beauty wrld realli cm to an end on the 20th feb at nafa theatre:) coz was pleased n delighted to see me frans n family dere..everyone was elated i guess..went for dinner at this coffee shp near bugis village..went to go k but me twin n closer seniors nt gg...so instead we walked all the wae to ps to catch a late nitex movie...hide n seek..haha..as usual..slpt halfwae thru e shw..interesting...

the 6 gals n 2 guys-darren n melvin combi refused to go hm n stayed at this kopitiam n had breakfast den headed hm..reached hm at 7+am..haha..dats quite a feat for me:)

he asked me if mes gonna b gl...im nt too sure i told him..asked him e sm qn n he gave me the sm reply too..haha..quite stupid but i dun care..haha..esp in this state..me gonna mug n mug n mug!!!

its funni...yesterdae daph told me to b more careful when im walking ard hall..haha..of coz was puzzled by this comment...i was lyk huh? she refused to sae names but i managed to guess correctly...haha..100% perfect..accurate!haha..jolens a smart gal leh!

yah..hes nice but jus nt me kind..too short n haha psychotic..went running w him 2wice?lent me his tut when i din even ask him...bought us flowers for vdae n for me perf..haha...but sorrie..u r my good fran!will b n always be:)ill act as if i din noe:)

haha..mb i shld jus move hm n stone..no probs..no stuff...but its nt me!!i wan fun!!i wanna b involved..i wan frans!haha..guess hafta gif n take..

will b gg hm on tues n bk on thurs n hm again..tuition...mug n stuf so minimal time in hall for this period to prepare for me papers!n yes hols will b here again!!!

target:AAAB!

haha..ive a new motto..a targt to work towrds to..n hope a NEW LIFE!!

tRUe hEARt.tRUe fEelINgS n tRUE...

dis gonna b a super lg entry and its gonna hurt..serious..

frans dun needa b worried or anithing guess i shld b alrite sn...

wanted to nap badly but jus cldnt..those words jus keep flashing in my mind..within 9 daes lotsa things happened!i din noe where n hw to start..jus dunno..nv let me jus start with e latest the freshiest memories..or shld i sae its a burden?

been a lg lg time since weve tok...yes toked!umm..its typed via msn..started at ard 1am n till 2=am...was super tired..but jus cnt bear to let him noe coz..

told me his deepest secret..sth which has been in his heart for sm time..i guess..he wanted to gt it off..burdened mind..poor thing..i m too burdened..jus cnt breathe..help!

'i may seem lyk a happy gal...' yah i m!in front of him at least..ive gtta be strg..i cnt let me see e state im in..no wae..

'cnt let ani one in ntu know..will ya std by me forever..u r my one n onli dearest mei..u mus not forgt me even when u r attached..im so happy to haf a mei lyk u..im so proud of u when i see ya perform..r u dissappointed in me..will u abandon ur gor..will do anithing for my mei..'

i jus cnt stop thinking of these..keep flashing in my mind..non stop..i noe im drained entirely..off everything n anything,i cnt function well..im dragging myself n forcing myself to do things nw..this is nt myself..i swear..

'of coz ill std by ya!forever?hw to?but yes coz i gtta sae forever..thxs im touched to b ya treasured meimei..u r talented n im proud of u too..i wnt abandon u..'..these promises even me find em ridiculous..i dunno wad gave me the energy to sae dese..

'hw i hope im nt in ntu..ill rather b in smu/nus den u cn share it w me..'cldnt believe i act typed it..yes it came frm me..i sent it..he read it..n told me..honoured..

I HATE U!!!
HATE U TERRIBLY!!
u r always doing this to me..let me b a freer kite..a freer arrow..let me flame extinguished..let it vanish..y issit that when im succeeding..u will always spoil it..u noe ill cm bk..u noe dat!
U R JUS too MEAN!

ill rather b ur mei..one who 'cn destress me by pouring everything onto me' is this fair to me?nv it doesnt matter..as long as u r happy..

u r jus letting me fall deeper..deeper whenever im jus climbing out of the pit..u will nt let me go..STOP TELLING ME that im ur dearest mei..dun chuck me inside n off u go n cm bk again!its nt nice...leave me a gd impression...

im sorrie!cnt let u noe..u cnt read all dese!no wae!im always cheerful in front of u n U irriTATING!!!dun keep sding me out!i wnt shw!!!unless u kill me...n im nt!!u tink too highly of yaself dear..jus lyk wad i thot i was until nw i realise dat im nt...

nt at all..joleens nt a perfect gal..shes changed..becm worse...shes nt her jovial self animore..in pples eyes she may b so..but inside shes deteriorating..even shes nt realising it..silently veri silently u will kill her..so pls free her frm dese!she cnt make it animore..give her peace..

cnt let u noe..frans reading pls keep it as a secret..i beg u..

heart has been worn off..broken..in fact broke n mended numerous times since im in uni..esp after noeing u..y m i feeling lyk this when ive so mani choices ard..so mani guys ard me?no...i dun mean that but im jus xtremely bothered when u tell me stuff..ur probs seem to b me prob..its lyk dey haf been transferred to me..i bearing ur burden..those troubles...on top of mine!

its not fair..yes!i wish ya well my dearest gor..but dis is nt e wae to treat a mei..no way?!i cn support u n std by u..but..i need my life too..

nt dat im complaining...i dunno where to channel my energy to gt out of the pit again..u haf plunged another sword into me again..each time u do it the worser it gts..

spare me if ya wish me well but dun abandon me..treasure e daes we had..

i cnt stp myself from tinking..i promise wad ive promised!

yes..to std by u n support u..to b ya mei forever..will not abandon u..b ur one n onli dearest mei...

status: a place to cool dn..away frm everything..mending a battered soul..